What are You Telling me Dream?

I had a beautiful dream last night. The only thing I remember is that I ran to this fucking gorgeous man, strapped myself to him, and we explored a city while paragliding a couple hundred feet in the air. I remember seeing lots of bright lights, tall buildings, and billboards of random adverts for luxury items.

The gorgeous man and I kept laughing during the entire flight. Since I felt safe enough to place my life in his hands, I must have loved him.

Is this my future? God I hope so. Haha.

The thing that stands out about my dream is that when we landed someone approached me. She was mad and said something like, “so and so is pissed off at you for leaving”.

I looked up the internet for what could possibly mean about my dream. Two things that keep getting mentioned are that 1) I have big decision to make and 2) I need to confront something that has been nagging me for awhile now.

I am going with number one. Why not pick number two? Because I am getting all the fucking help I can with my past issues. Someone told me getting your shit together is a process; a painful process were you fall at least a hundred times until you get it right.

Great. Lovely. I am so fucked.

At least I get to spend some time with my mom today. She can sometimes be a calming influence on me when she wants to be. lol.

Have a great day reader.

Panic Attacks

So last Saturday morning, hours before my first test, I had my first panic attack in weeks. For me it involves my heart palpitating, eyes watering, and the beautiful finale of…

Throwing up over a toilet.

I saw rice and parts of salmon float to the bottom of the toilet. You must wondering, what the fuck was she thinking eating that early in the morning? I am not Asian if I don’t have rice at least twice a day. I wish I was kidding. Giving up rice can be hard sometimes.

Now here’s the good part. I just endured it for awhile until I got better. I had no time to think what the fuck was the cause of it. I had an exam in fifteen minutes and like hell I was going to fail when I worked so hard on those math problems. My goal now was to lower my heart rate. The worse part wasn’t the actual panic attack but that I had to do this alone, as usual, story of sad fucking life, right?

So the whole point of this damn post is to urge people to please don’t go through this kind of thing alone. I could have called a number of people but I chose not to out of stubbornness and pride. I urge anyone to please find that one person, whose not judgmental, and is patient and empathetic, to help you through any mental issues. Times are getting darker, we need each other to push on through and find the light…

I went to Palawan, Philippines last week. The long airplane ride and layovers were worth it. Let me also stress that I was also sick with a cold but it did not hinder me from having the time of my life. A little background about me: I’m Filipino and Filipinos love to fucking eat. Learning about my roots again was a beautiful experience. I ate so much food, laughed my ass off, and had some interesting conversations with some locals and tourists.

I will cherish those two and half weeks for the rest of my life. Oh god. That sounded corny didn’t it?

La La Land and then Reality…

I don’t know how to describe how much I love this movie. Come on, how can you not like Emma Stone? And Ryan Gosling..

The movie was bittersweet, but to me and my friend, it really did open our eyes about how much our dreams mattered.

I watch it with one close friend of mine. We had reconnected last year and our bond has become stronger ever since. The movie got under our skin to the point of us singing along on I-95 without a care in the world. But something also happened; we lost our interest to do something crazy. Reality seeped in, we remembered we were adults, and we decided to return to my home.

I had a great evening, anyway, because she still fighting for me to continue to write, create, and just be crazy me. This is one friendship I will not let go. Turning thirty taught me the value of friendships and I need my friends to get me through the pain I’m still experiencing.

Before this turn to a sappy, nauseating post, I am going to bed.

I have another adventure that starts tomorrow.

Until then reader,

Renie.

Cat Cafe or How I Nearly Lost My Mind in One.

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Folks, I was lucky enough to visit the Orlando Cat Cafe in Clermont, Florida. Two great things about this cafe: 1) You can adopt the cats. 2) They have yummy snacks for you to eat. My favorite cat is the one on the bottom, right corner of my picture.

The atmosphere was relaxing because some of the cats were asleep. Most don’t mind if you pet them as long as you don’t do it for a long time.

Thanksgiving Blues

I won’t lie. I want this day to be over. You know what this election has done to my family? It has created a great divide between us. What would start as an argument about Trump then takes an ugly turn for the worse. I am talking about personal, dark shit that, if you have a sensitivity chip in your fucking head, you don’t bring it up with someone who is struggling with so much internal stuff. I cried, on and off, for forty eight hours, and I am an idiot for letting this piece of shit under my fucking skin.

Some part of me is grateful for the election. It has made me reevaluate my life. I spent the morning with my brother eating brunch at iHop. He seemed happier, more focus and I am grateful to the universe for whatever peace it bestowed in him. He mentioned about exploring his spirituality further. No. He will not become a priest. That scenario will give me a fucking heart attack. Whatever he decides, I will support him no matter what.

These panic attacks I’ve been having these past two weeks isn’t really about the election; it’s about changes happening to me next year. I still have doubts about some things. Am I making the right decision to return to school? Am I ever going to open myself to someone emotionally again? Is this rage ever going to leave me permanently?

*sigh* i’m going back to Netflix binge-watching and drinking again hehe.

Happy Thanksgiving, reader. Have fun and stay safe.

Feeling Blue? Take at Look at This

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  • Sad music to listen to (and be prepared to cry your fucking eyes out) is Clint Mansell’s “Together We Will Live Forever”
  • Writing a letter helps. There was this one person, who I missed and hated with equal intensity, that I wrote to 42 times (and I never sent the letters). It was cathartic and helped me understand my situation.
  • A best friend can help or hurt you in times of need; beware and proceed carefully when opening up to him or her.

Annoying Stereotypes: Fat People

I’m a big girl. I fucking love to eat. Shove a medium pizza from Papa John’s towards me and it will gone in ten minutes or less. Being a big girl I hear all sorts of bullshit from people. Some of the stupid shit I hear is: Why don’t you exercise more? You need to cut carbs, you would be so much prettier if you were skinnier, etc, bitches I have heard it all. Dear assholes, here are a few things you need to know about fat people.

  • Some of us actually do exercise. Why we continue to stay fat is none of your fucking business so quit asking. If you’re big, run 2 miles, and gobble a huge plate of nachos afterwards, bitch I aint gonna judge you.
  • A lot of us have an active sex life. People will still be attracted to big ass and titties until the end of time. Why the fuck would you slap a girl with no ass? Makes no sense to me. When I get butt slapped on Christmas, I feel loved 😀
  • I don’t understand why girls over size eight can’t be considered beautiful and carry confidence. Hello, have you meet Adele, America Ferrera, and Rebel Wilson? Their gorgeous, funny, and more successful than all the assholes lurking on the net.

I’ve also changed my perception on vanity since turning 30. For awhile, I never had a problem with being a big girl until an asshole pointed something obvious about my weight. I do think I’m attractive on most days. Lately, I’ve been working out because of some deep, painful, personal issues. It’s no longer a number games for me. It’s whether I walk out of the gym feeling elated and accomplished.

If you’re a big person and are thinking about doing yoga. Follow Dana Falsetti on her webpage and instagram. She really can help you overcome the hesitation with starting a yoga regimen especially if you’re a big person.